There are days when It really sinks in that I will NEVER see him again.
I didn’t really mean to stop posting here. I didn’t make a conscious decision to stop blogging but I think I needed to step away from the virtual world for a while and make space for my grief in my real life.
Christmas time was fine. You know it really was. It was so, so much better than last year and I felt as though I’d made good progress since those early dark days. A very wise friend has observed that after the first anniversary you can no longer yearn for “this time last year”. In February last year I was quite literally in paralysed with grief.
I have come to terms with the fact that I’ll always miss my boy and I can never have him back but alongside my grief I need to move forward with my life. Losing a child is the worst thing imaginable and my life will always be coloured by the longing for Jude and the deep sadness that I can’t ever see him again but I’m not sure that writing this down over and over can help me anymore.
I’m not sure that I need to blog for myself anymore and now I need to look for ways to help people remember my boy. I hope that if you’re coming to this blog as a newly bereaved parent you can take some hope that things get easier.
Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of Jude’s death.
I have had so many cards, texts and flowers and I feel very supported. I need to be clear though, I don’t just miss Jude tomorrow, I feel his absence every single day and there are days when losing him seems to swallow me up. I’m not strong or brave or coping better than anyone else would and to imply that I am suggests I wasn’t as in love with my gorgeous wee boy than most parents are. I have had a few comments to that effect and a few “have a wonderful Christmas” cards but on the whole people around me seem to get it and I’m so thankful.
I couldn’t have made it through this year without my amazing friends and family, they are by far the best people in the world.
We’ve had some really lovely cards and letters this week. People are keen to tell us that they miss Jude and that they’re thinking of us and its really important to us to hear that.
Tonight Jude’s teacher popped round with a card and a plant for us. I guess I assumed that most people (except close friends and family) had just moved on.
The card from his teachers said,
“We remember Jude every day and will never forget a boy who was beautiful in every way.”
He really was a lovely wee boy.
Contrary to popular belief it doesn’t heal all wounds. But thankfully it appears to be passing quickly.
Not great, certainly not happy or at peace with the world, but okay.
It’s a long way from how I felt at the start of the year and I honestly didn’t think I’d ever get here.
I need people not to misunderstand my sense of being okay. They shouldn’t decide that I’ve moved on, accepted my loss or (god forbid) replaced my precious son. Instead people should know that it’s possible to choose to be okay whilst at the same time living with a broken heart.
This morning I spent some time on Skype with one of my best friends. She lives in Australia and I already mentioned that she came over for Jude’s funeral and she’s written me letters, emailed and generally just supported me so well even though she thousands of miles away.
Today I got to see a copy of the book she’s about to have published. I’m not sure if I’m allowed to talk about it here yet but I’ve already read it and its amazing!
The most special part, however, is that she’s dedicated it to Jude.
How nice is that?