Keeping memories

Isla is seven. I know that I have memories of some things from when I was little but I don’t have total recall of everything that ever happened, every funny thing that someone said or did. It is my greatest fear that we will forget Jude. Not forget him in essence but forget the funny things he said or did. He was such a smart boy, he could read and write before he started school, he could tell the time when he was four and his grammar was impeccable. One day, walking hand in hand up the high street we had a conversation about auxiliary verbs. He wasn’t a precocious child but he loved learning and he had such an appetite for new facts and skills. More than that he was an exceptionally loving boy who never held back with cuddles and kisses. Of course he was a real boy and not a caricature, so he also had amazing teary tantrums and he was a complete monkey to his sister. He particularly enjoyed taking the heads off her playmobil characters and swapping them around just to wind her up. It has become incredibly important to me to document every memory I can and keep them together in this little book so that we can all stay close to our boy.

By judesmum

Easter Holidays

So I was really worried about the holidays and the lack of routine.
Turns out I have been feeling fine for the most part.  I had a really bad day at the start but got over it and the rest of the days have passed without too much pain.  We have been out with friends and on day trips.  We won’t go to the usual places but we’re still able to take Isla out and have fun.
This time last year we were on our way to East Links Farm but I can’t see that being on the agenda for quite some time to come.
Jude loved being with us and spending days together.  He was a real home buddy and he loved playing away with his cars or his lego with us nearby.
I miss my beautiful boy but I feel that I’m moving away from the hospital bedside and getting a clearer image of him when he was alive and well, being his happy and cheerful wee self.  That is all I can hope for at the moment.
Neither of us can be defined by his death, only his fantastic and happy life.
By judesmum

The dreaded question

I was in the line at Starbucks yesterday when I bumped into someone I used to go to uni with.  It was all good and we hugged and exchanged pleasantries.  “Where are you working now? How’s DH (she married the only straight guy on our course) do you still keep in touch with x, y and z.”  The thing is, the whole time I was standing there I was willing her not ask if I had kids.  Isla and David were already sitting down but I was absolutely terrified that she’d ask.

She didn’t ask and neither did I, even though she alluded to the fact she had kids and this was her morning off . 

I have gone over this situation and we’ve discussed different answers but I’m still faced with blind panic at the though of having to either make someone feel incredibly uncomfortable or denying the existence of my boy, who still feels very much part of my family.

It’s not a huge big deal in the grand scheme of things but I’m still no further forward with coming up with an answer.



  • Had a scone today.  I thought this would never happen without missing our Friday mornings at M&S cafe.  Doubt I’ll ever be back there but at least I had the scone and thought happy thoughts.
  • Arranged a sleepover for Isla. The last time H stayed over Jude was upset that he was left out and I promised him he could have  a friend to sleepover when he was six.  How arrogant to make plans we couldn’t keep.  (He was happier cuddled up on he sofa with me as the girls had their fun)
  • Isla is well settled back in her own room and she’s been sleeping much better.
By judesmum