In years to come when we look back at this year there will be hardly any record of it except this blog and the pain that will no doubt still be with us.
I have found it very difficult to take photographs since Jude died. He is the shadow at every occasion. Christmas Day, Alton towers for Isla’s birthday, the birth of his baby sister. Taking a photo without him in it is far too painful, his absence screams at me from every angle.
I realise that I’m going to have to overcome this for the sake of Isla and Marley but it’s just not fair that I can never have a family photograph.
It seems like yesterday but it was a lifetime ago.
I miss his smile and his wee squint tooth (from thumb sucking) I miss his unruly hair and his massive blue eyes. I miss feeling his little hand in mine as we walked to school. I miss the way he could wrap me around his finger. I miss the smell of him.
I miss the person I was when he was here.
All’s well that ends well..
We have been inundated by well wishers since having Marley. People are genuinely happy for us and some are also probably pretty relieved. We have become approachable again as though our grief has been wiped away and replaced by dewy eyed, innocent love for our new daughter. One friend recounted meeting someone and sharing the “good news” with them before they launched into how sorry they were for us. I wholeheartedly approve of this because as I’ve said before, I don’t need sympathy but it does make me wonder how people think we feel about our new life.
The thing is, one thing does not cancel out the other. The birth of Marley does not seal up the hole made by losing Jude. One hundred babies couldn’t make us a complete family again. That can never happen.
There are no happy endings to our story, there are blessings to be counted and lighter moments in the dark days but the root cause of our pain can never be undone.
He can never come back.