I didn’t really mean to stop posting here. I didn’t make a conscious decision to stop blogging but I think I needed to step away from the virtual world for a while and make space for my grief in my real life.
Christmas time was fine. You know it really was. It was so, so much better than last year and I felt as though I’d made good progress since those early dark days. A very wise friend has observed that after the first anniversary you can no longer yearn for “this time last year”. In February last year I was quite literally in paralysed with grief.
I have come to terms with the fact that I’ll always miss my boy and I can never have him back but alongside my grief I need to move forward with my life. Losing a child is the worst thing imaginable and my life will always be coloured by the longing for Jude and the deep sadness that I can’t ever see him again but I’m not sure that writing this down over and over can help me anymore.
I’m not sure that I need to blog for myself anymore and now I need to look for ways to help people remember my boy. I hope that if you’re coming to this blog as a newly bereaved parent you can take some hope that things get easier.