Anniversary

Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of Jude’s death.
I have had so many cards, texts and flowers and I feel very supported. I need to be clear though, I don’t just miss Jude tomorrow, I feel his absence every single day and there are days when losing him seems to swallow me up. I’m not strong or brave or coping better than anyone else would and to imply that I am suggests I wasn’t as in love with my gorgeous wee boy than most parents are. I have had a few comments to that effect and a few “have a wonderful Christmas” cards but on the whole people around me seem to get it and I’m so thankful.

I couldn’t have made it through this year without my amazing friends and family, they are by far the best people in the world.

By judesmum

It’s here

A few days ago I posted about my friend’s book which is dedicated to Jude.

Here it is.

It’s so lovely to see his name in print and to know that people will read about him.

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By judesmum

Sincere

We’ve had some really lovely cards and letters this week. People are keen to tell us that they miss Jude and that they’re thinking of us and its really important to us to hear that.
Tonight Jude’s teacher popped round with a card and a plant for us. I guess I assumed that most people (except close friends and family) had just moved on.
The card from his teachers said,
“We remember Jude every day and will never forget a boy who was beautiful in every way.”

He really was a lovely wee boy.

By judesmum

Time

Contrary to popular belief it doesn’t heal all wounds. But thankfully it appears to be passing quickly.

By judesmum

Okay

I’m okay.
Not great, certainly not happy or at peace with the world, but okay.
It’s a long way from how I felt at the start of the year and I honestly didn’t think I’d ever get here.

I need people not to misunderstand my sense of being okay. They shouldn’t decide that I’ve moved on, accepted my loss or (god forbid) replaced my precious son. Instead people should know that it’s possible to choose to be okay whilst at the same time living with a broken heart.

By judesmum

Memorial

Today the children and teachers at Jude’s school remembered him. They gathered outside around the tree they planted for him and they shared memories of my precious boy.

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By judesmum

Dedicated

This morning I spent some time on Skype with one of my best friends. She lives in Australia and I already mentioned that she came over for Jude’s funeral and she’s written me letters, emailed and generally just supported me so well even though she thousands of miles away.
Today I got to see a copy of the book she’s about to have published. I’m not sure if I’m allowed to talk about it here yet but I’ve already read it and its amazing!

The most special part, however, is that she’s dedicated it to Jude.

How nice is that?

By judesmum

Inappropriate

I know that this is not in the spirit of my advent post but I need to get it off my chest.
I, like everyone else am appalled, shocked and totally devastated by the mindless shooting in America yesterday. I can totally imagine how those parents feel and I know what lies ahead. What I also know from bitter experience is that the last thing a bereaved parent needs to hear is that you’ll “hug your kids tighter” after hearing of their loss. Wtf?? In what way would that offer comfort to someone? Unless you were previously mistreating your kids or subjecting them to a life of servitude, it is of no consequence to me whether you will cuddle your kids more for ten minutes then carry on with your day. I’m so shocked that the president of the country was so ill advised as to say this was a fitting way to remember these poor children, I’d have thought a ban on deadly weapons was a much more appropriate gesture.
If you are not a bereaved parent you’ll likely not know that this is one of the most bandied about platitudes going in these situations and it is also the most insensitive and crass comments that shows absolutely no compassion or empathy whatsoever. Please, please avoid it and if possible, could you spread the word?
Sorry for the rant, normal service will be resumed tomorrow.

By judesmum

Pressure

Every single bereaved parent I’ve met either online or in rl dreads Christmas without their child. It doesn’t matter which time of year they died, Christmas is just not the same with someone so important missing. Yet in time they are expected to start to send cards, go to the staff night out and generally take part in all the festivities as they did before.
Because Jude died at Christmas I expect people will excuse us from those obligations for many years if not forever. I could probably force myself to write cards without his name and drag myself in and out of shops to the tune of “it’ll be lonely this Christmas.” I could just about wear a silly hat and eat overpriced turkey with workmates or sit through carols in the high street. But I’m not going to. I’m not putting any pressure on myself and I’m thankful that I have supportive friends and family who don’t put pressure on me either.

By judesmum