The missing year

In years to come when we look back at this year there will be hardly any record of it except this blog and the pain that will no doubt still be with us.

I have found it very difficult to take photographs since Jude died. He is the shadow at every occasion. Christmas Day, Alton towers for Isla’s birthday, the birth of his baby sister. Taking a photo without him in it is far too painful, his absence screams at me from every angle.

I realise that I’m going to have to overcome this for the sake of Isla and Marley but it’s just not fair that I can never have a family photograph.


By judesmum

7 comments on “The missing year

  1. When Madeleine was born, my friends would turn up and take pictures of her with Catherine’s friends holding her. It is hard. Everyone else adjusts. They know our children are gone, and that is it for them. I didn’t take any pics at all till I was quite heavily pg with M. It must have been around the year mark – possibly a bit past it. It is hard – you don’t want to remember this time. xx

  2. Interesting that you just posted this. We took our first family photo since my son died – and his absence is what I see when I look at the photo. It’s quite painful and just breaks my heart. Just as all the photos of the past now seem tragic…knowing that his life was so very short.

  3. I feel the same its so hard with the photos. Someone told me early on to take lots of photos to try and make new memories, so I did try, but the camera got stolen while we were away and we lost them all, kind of feels pointless now. I feel sad that we are never going to have a family photo, and we don’t have that many with all of us in because I was always taking the photos. xxx

  4. We took TONS of photos when I was pregnant with Max and really, barely any when I was pregnant with Mo. I actually had a professional photographer take our photo while on “vacation” in Mexico during our “missing year” so that Mo could see what we looked like when we were waiting for him. We tried our best to look happy. Every time I take a photo of Mo, I think about how terrible it is that I will never have a photo of the two of them together unless I photoshop it (and I have thought about doing that but can’t decide if it is a little weird). Anyway, ya, it really blows. I am sorry. So sorry.

  5. Oh the pain! I am so sorry. Jude is truly a beautiful boy! Breathtakingly beautiful. As is Isla and Marley….you make beautiful babies. I pray the pain ebbs away. I pay it quits hurting so badly. I pray you know that joy and heartache can coexist. You needn’t trade one for the other. In the same way that you can love all three of your children equally, you can mourn your darling wee boy and live life with Marly and Isla with complete joy. I am so sorry!

  6. It’s so hard. I know. I’m so sorry. I’ve known of families who will hold a beautiful framed photo of their lost baby when they are photographed so they can all still be together.

    It’s not the same. It will NEVER be the same, and yes, they are still missing, but somehow, someway, it’s a bit better than that glaring emptiness.

    As always, many hugs,

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