Missing out

Isla seems a little bit preoccupied on what Jude has missed out on lately.  She often comments that it was a shame that he didn’t make it to Christmas eve to see Santa at Dobbies or Christmas day  so that he could’ve opened his presents.  We watched the film Men in Black the other day and said that Jude would’ve loved that film.

I felt like that in the beginning, especially on Christmas day.  I felt like that to the extent that I didn’t want to eat anything if he couldn’t and I didn’t want to enjoy anything if he couldn’t.  I would rather have stopped breathing if he couldn’t, if I’m being completely honest about it.  But that has passed.  I feel like I can’t count all the things that he’ll miss out on in his life, I can’t project him into the future and imagine him missing out on his birthday, Christmases to come, high school, wedding, kids.  There are just too many to think about and I can only imagine him being 5 and missing out on the only thing he really needed, his family.  Simple things like cuddles, stories, treats and long chats over a scone and jam on a Friday morning that’s what he’s really missing out on, but at least we had it once.  It hurts so much that he’s not here, not because he’s been robbed of all the big life experiences, but because he’s not here to be cuddled and tickled and to cheat at Monopoly.

When he died we got hundreds and hundreds of cards but one really stuck out.  It was from David’s relative who has nursed her 45 year old partner for the last 6 years after a really bad stroke and it said,

“some lives are short and wonderful and others are long and full of pain.”  I know what kind of life our boy had and I also know that the alternative wasn’t an option.

By judesmum

2 comments on “Missing out

  1. Yes, their lives were short, but sweet. It is better than short and miserable, but it is still pretty shit. Jude is a lovely boy. It sounds like Isla is just working her way through what it means for him not to be around in her life anymore. Susan xx

    • You’re right Susan, it is shit.
      I think Isla is getting to grips with the wider implications of our loss. She’s coping really well and she’s reassured that we’re okay (I schedule most of my tears for when she’s in bed) so I guess she’s trying to figure it all out.x

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