I’m no Carrie Bradshaw but I love a good old shop. When we’d be in a department store my kids would chorus in unison “quick, don’t get stuck in the clothes mummy”
It will come as no surprise that I can now walk through the Mulberry section in John lewis without so much as a sideways glance. The only time I’m in the clothes department of a store is when it’s en route to the toilet and even the Boden Kids catalogue lies on the kitchen counter unopened as I grimace at the picture of the wee smiling, blonde boy on the front.
The thing is though, my husband wants me fixed. He has suggested three shopping trips in the last two weeks, he’s opened the Boden catalogue and told me that Isla could do with some new dresses. Two weeks ago he won a bet on the cycling and he bought me a Nespresso coffee maker. I know what he wants, I know that he’s trying to do everything he can to make me happy. Last night, I came home from a busy day at work and he’d booked Breaking Dawn on box office and bought ice-cream for me. He hates Twilight and he doesn’t even know what’s going on in it but he sat with me, eating ice cream and flinching any time it looked as though I’d cry.
He’s hurting too, but he can see where I am and he’s struggling to find something to take my pain away. The only thing that can do that is my wee boy but he’s really trying. The thing is, there are days when I feel okay and there are days when it creeps up on me unannounced, unnerving me. It’s just hard to predict when it will happen.
Last week I was leading a training session for teachers and I was really in the zone, professional head on and gearing up for a busy workshop. Just as I started a woman who I’ve met on a couple of occasions came in and gave me that look to indicate that she’d heard what happened. It completely caught me off guard. I was okay and I powered through but after the session I cried in the car all the way home. When I’m standing in a room full of colleagues, trying to appear professional and engaging, I have no idea whether some of them know what has happened. If they do, do they sit there and think how can she stand there and pretend everything’s okay or poor lady, her life is over?
It’s all a bit of a confusing mess. I do know that I have less bad days than I had at the beginning though and as it starts to turn to spring I feel more hopeful than I did last month. Not ready for a trip to the shops but not convinced that I’ll never be happy again.