Bad day

Had to leave work today.

I’d left Isla at home with her dad.  She had a sore tummy but she was fine, better to be safe than sorry though so she stayed at home with the promise of Harry Potter and boardgames About an hour after I got into the office I had a call from home to say she’d been sick.

Now, my reaction pre Christmas would’ve been  “Oh I’m sure she’ll be fine and I’ll try to get home early this evening and give her some extra attention”  I might have stopped off for a magazine on the way home.

Now that I have fallen down the rabbit hole, my reactions are completely unreliable.  I have lost all perspective.  Jude didn’t die of an upset tummy.  He died because he had a rare and incurable condition.

I freaked out and had to go home.

I find myself wondering if it will always be this hard.

 

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By judesmum

2 comments on “Bad day

  1. Maybe. Perspective might be over-rated for a while. Just go with your gut and let your friends watch out for the rabbit holes. They can’t stop you falling in but they can help you out. x

  2. I think it’s several things. First, your own awful experience. Before your son died, you knew children died (theoretically), but now you know it really happens. Second, now you know how AWFUL it is – I always knew it would be terrible, but I didn’t really understand how terrible it is until it happened – so no wonder you are terrified. Thirdly, for the last 2 months you have been immersed in the grief community of bereaved mothers. You need them, because they get it – but since C died, I have listened to endless stories where children die. It’s the sort of thing that you might briefly has noted in the paper before turning the page and forgetting before you had your own dead child. Now it is your daily bread. No wonder you are freaking!

    Finally, is it the first time your daughter has been ill? Firsts are always especially hard.

    All bereaved parents find their children being sick difficult. It won’t always be this raw though. Big hug to you. Don’t worry about coming home early one day – just think how fantastic you are to be at work at all!

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